I feel that my inexperience can bite me in the butt sometimes. I really hope that my lack of experience will not be detrimental for these children’s growth and development. After spending five year of tertiary education and merely six months of work, I noticed that I only have superficial knowledge, I possess a wide range of know-knows but I lack depth and credible examples.
Recently, it was my first time planning a field trip (from scratch) for the preschoolers and I thought that it was challenging. I have many ideas and places to go for the older children but when it comes to thinking for the really young ones, I struggled a little. I learnt that there are many factors to consider in planning the trip, like the children and parents’ needs, timings and weathers, intentions and rationale.
Usually on my way home, I reflect on how my day with the children, colleagues and parents went. There are days when I feel lousy, there are days when I feel satisfied (thankfully, more of the latter). Furthermore, when the self-doubts overwhelms my own thinking, I feel very depressed. I can honestly feel that I am struggling with the responsibilities, pressure and expectations as a new teacher. Even though, I often remind myself to enjoy the teaching process than to overthink, it is tougher than I expect. I like my job but I am too uptight kanchiong, too afraid to make mistakes, worry too much and scares myself with worst case scenarios.
Furthermore, I often asked myself if “I am a bad teacher” because I am so immersed with my overthinking and self-doubts. Then again, I asked myself “What defines a good teacher?” and I always have different definitions for every different work experiences. There are days when I think a good teacher “is a creator of a well-regulated children”, “patience and understanding”, “a survivor”, “has good teaching intentions”… I really don’t know what defines a good teacher. Oh well, it is a learning process.
Nonetheless, I often remind myself that we were not created to be perfect and no matter how hard we try we will never be. Practice may not make perfect but it makes it permanent. I need to continue to gain experience, reflect on them, and work on making it better.